I know I'm frightened. Scared. To the point of panicking.
And I feel so fucking trapped that I can't help running.
Like a rat in a maze full of dead ends.
And the thing is, I don't see how it could be normal, natural or logical to feel this way.
I am used to having an explanation for all my emotions. This time it is not the case.
At least not on the surface. And what gets on me most is that me, with all my never-ending reflecting superpower, cannot go beneath this line to grasp the root cause of the problem and properly deal with it.

What is left for me here is either running away from the problem (but the reoccurrence of the problem shows that it's not really an option)
or gradually and sadistically broke myself to the point I get any new information to consider.
(Or freak out that much to never repeat that experience again, which apparently doesn't work either).
Naturally, emotional self-harassment is definitely not my thing these days.

I definitely could do with a helping hand here, except for, I can't imagine where to get one.
Otherwise, I will never get out of this maze.
I'll just keep making up theories that explain the result rather than the cause and tell nothing about the way out.